My therapist has been recommending for weeks now that I keep a regular journal to "stay in touch" with my feelings, since she seems to believe that I possess a mastered ability to "shut down and tune out" when life gets tough.  Though I agree with her (the part where I shut down), I have to admit I have been more than skittish at the thought of coming, as my friend Lisa says, "out of my crypt", and reentering the world of communication.  I suppose journaling is the same as talking--in the sense that if I say it (or write it), inevitably there will be feelings that follow as a result of what I have stated.  And let me tell you, after the last few months, feeling anything is the very last thing I want to do. 

Like the therapist says, I prefer to shut down. 

So what's all this talk of a therapist, you ask?  It's a long story really, and one that I really am in no mood to describe in detail.  However, I will give you the brutal truth as to why I've been away, in a social crypt, and "shut down"---however you want to describe it----

I had a nervous breakdown. 

And not one of those pansy assed, "oh my God I can't handle life anymore!" breakdowns where you spend a week eating ice cream and crying over your life type of breakdowns; or the kind where you see a doctor for a little bit of psychotropic assistance in the form of Prozac or Xanax to help you "cope" with the stress of life. 

Nooo.  I had a goddamn official nervous breakdown. 

The kind where you get to spend a few days "taking a break" within the confines of a psychiatric ward under the observation of professionals who follow you around the hallways as you pace back and forth wondering how in the hell your life wound up the way it did.  The kind where an intravenous shot of Ativan calms you only enough to remember your name and maybe pace the halls a little slower. 

The kind of breakdown where nothing matters anymore except trying to figure out how to stop whatever pain I was feeling; but being too frozen by fear to ask for help because of the sky high pile of fears of what others might think if you admit to them that you need help. 

It was bad.  Really bad. 

The exact circumstances leading up to my breakdown are debatable.  I don't really know, and neither does my shrink or my therapist.  We all are fairly certain it was just the result of a lifetime of brutal stress and pressure starting with my childhood abuse that has never been resolved; followed by the pressure I tend to put on myself to be absolutely perfect at all times to avoid the fears I have of losing all that I love. 

And when I try to be perfect, I shut everything off.  And when you shut everything off for a lifetime, the feelings get stored inside like a pressure cooker. 

And eventually you explode. 

Well, I exploded. 

It's been about four months since the big "B", and I am still recovering.  Surprisingly, I am not on the loads of meds one might expect.  A smidgen of Cymbalta seems to be helping me stay afloat.  I see a therapist....Pam....twice a week.  She's a social worker who specializes in childhood trauma, and though sometimes I question the level of her intelligence, she has been a stable force for me to hang on to, and a cheerleader when I was too afraid to ask for help or encouragement. 

In many ways, she has replaced the mother figure I never had; and I am still amazed today how soothing it feels to have someone say "I care about you" even when I am at my worst. 

So, I keep her in my life---not because she's earth shatteringly insightful or intellectually stimulating---but because she believes in me when I find it impossible to believe in myself. 

And it is she who, like I said, recommends this "journaling" as a means to stay in touch with my feelings to avoid another pressure cooker moment.  After the breakdown, I shut off everything.  Everyone.  I was too afraid it would happen again! 

So, here I am.  Doing the best I can.  I'm still emotionally wobbly, and I feel right now, very embarrassed and ashamed that ME---STACY THE PERFECT---is sitting here this morning admitting to myself and all of those who might still be around reading---is not perfect.

This is a hell of a first entry for a new blog, isn't it?  I have to laugh a little through my tears.  You see, originally this was going to be just a crafting (crochet and cross stitch) blog; but I had to scrap that plan because I lost my goddamn camera and can't post any pics until I find it or get a new one. 

So, since Plan A--the crafting blog---didn't pan out, I had to go with Plan B---talk about the deep recesses of my injured mind. 

Maybe Plan C should be a little bit of both?!