In continuation of my blog on 12/23----

In regards to clinical "mood disorders", as I was talking about before, it has been assumed several times in the past that I may have a form of bipolar disorder, based on seasonal changes and that I seem to be more unstable during the winter months, especially since we've been here up north. 

While the seasons may be a small component of my shifty moods (I am 100% certain of this), Pam mentioned something during our last session that caught my attention. 

When a person witnesses or undergoes a trauma, they are not allowed the time or the opportunity to feel.  By definition, trauma, is any life threatening or perceived life threatening event where the victim's control is taken away from them.  Therefore the witness, having no control over the situation, shuts down their personal feelings in order to survive the situation.  A woman who is being raped is probably not feeling much else at the moment except how she is going to escape, endure, or live through what is being done to her.  The pain and fear of what she is suffering is too great at the time; so she "shuts down" and goes into survival mode.  A victim of a natural disaster is not busy feeling sad that their home is being destroyed or that their loved ones may not be safe.  They are pumped full of adrenaline focused on how they are going to survive the next 30 seconds of that tornado; and then they are going to function with physical strength to dig out survivors from rubble. 

My husband's personal account of combat is that he wasn't afraid, sad, angry when the bullets were pinging off his Humvee in Iraq as his team was being ambushed by insurgents.  He claims he felt nothing at all.  Instead, he was hyperalert for danger and focused on what he needed to do physically and mentally in order to survive and to protect his comrades.  He wasn't feeling anything when he pulled bodies out of the downed helicopter.  He wasn't feeling anything when he spent 12 hours hiding behind a burm and providing cover fire for his teammates who were getting killed right in front of him. 

I was the same as a child.  I didn't feel anything---or at least I don't recall.   I remember being hyperalert myself, always looking tactically for danger; and like an animal, relying on my senses to track threat or doom.  If I had stopped to feel, I would not have been able to survive.  If I had stopped to cry or tell someone how scared I was, I would not have been able to dodge my mother's blows.  If I had felt the pain of her words, I would not have had my wits about me to plan my escape. 

I would not have been able to function if I had stopped to feel anything while my husband was at war.  Or when I saw that plane hit the Pentagon on 9/11.  

If I had felt anything, I would have been distracted as to what to do....plan my next move...provide saftey.....seek shelter.....endure the next round of abuse.....whatever it was that was taking away my control.

It is only later, after the event is long passed.  Sometimes years later.....that the witness begins to feel the sorrow, grief, anger, etc. over what they endured.  The problem is, their perceptions of the present are still mingled with the past, that they have lost the ability to tell the difference between the two environments. 

This is why my husband jumps three feet when there is a sudden loud noise via the telephone or an explosion on a t.v. program.  This is why he walks out of the room and goes into the bathroom red eyed during anything pertaining to war is on t.v.  This is why he still looks at the ground when he walks around outside, in our own safe neighborhood. 

Even though he is safe now, he is feeling the fear of war. Still lookiing for IED's in the road.  Terrified, however unrealistically, that he will meet his demise.  Terrified that someone at the friggin' mall is plotting to kill him. 

And that is why, as someone who underwent continuous and long term trauma, still feels abandoned and frightened when Greg is late for work.  Or when someone dosen't like me.  Or when I see my mother's picture. 

They are called "trigger events".  Even though it is not real today, the trauma victim perceives many everyday occurances as threats or danger.  This is because when we were undergoing that trauma, we didn't take that time to feel. 

But we feel it now.  Skewed and distorted feelings; but feelings nonetheless. 

Pam observed that I am highly reactive to my external environment, as a result of my own traumatic experiences.  The  hypervigilance never returned to a normal level; and therefore, I see my entire life with the same eyes as I saw it then, when I had no control.  But my brain also knows ...at least in part....that my present situation is safe enough to allow for feelings. 

Yet it dosen't know how to differenciate between then and now.  Therefore, everything, good and bad and inbetween is processed the same way as it was when I was a child undergoing trauma. 

I am reactive instead of proactive. 

And when we are reacting to our environment with distorted thought patterns and long buried feelings, we continue the pattern of having no control.  We live as if we have no say in what happens.  We feel like we really are just victims of circumstances.  So we continue to feel miserable and frightened and helpless and terrified and angry because no matter how much we try, we cannot just say, "okay, this dosen't bother me anymore." 

If we are always reacting to stimulus, we can very easily be perceived as being highly "moody", shifting from periods of elation (adrenaline) to devastating depression (fear and grief), based on what is happening around us. 

And let me make a note of it here:  I get it.  Never has anyone explained this post traumatic phenomenon better than she did.  She went on to explain in my case, my trauma was over the course of many years...my formative years...and not only did I shut down my feelings, I creatively (and thankfully!) formed seperate compartments or personalities.  Some call them alters.  The famous Cybil, I believe, had over 90 distinct personalities.  Each with their own names and perceptions of the world.  Some were children, senior citizens, even men. 

For privacy's sake, I have a designated few that I consider my trusted sources list who I can discuss these issues with as far as my compartments go.  The dissociative issues are very difficult for people to understand, and I am not comfortable at this time to discuss this issue in more detail past this.  If you are reading and have questions, please email me privately.  Thank you. :) 

I asked Pam the obvious question:  how does a person stop reacting to this stimulus---or at the very least, begin to differenciate the present from the trauma?  How does a person begin to feel their feelings in a healthy way without fear of going absolutely insane? 

According to Pam, we start by creating a more stable internal environment.  Since I had no control as an abused child, I was never afforded the opportunity to form a sense of self.  Underneath the alters and compartments, lies a True Self that was never recognized; because she wouldn't have been able to survive. 

If this sounds confusing, basically what Pam is saying (and I am beginning to see what she means, slowly), is that we go back over a long process of perhaps years and recreate what was never there in the first place:  saftey. 

It is through saftey and acceptance and support that the True Self can emerge.  The True Self is also known in some theraputic environments as the Inner Child.  I prefer True Self---so I will refer to her as such in the future. 

Together, Pam, Dr. Price, Greg, and those on my trusted list, will discover who she is. 

The goal of trauma therapy is to integrate the compartments/alters, and allow the True Self to dominate, like "normal" (I know that term is subjective) people.  By raising the True Self in the way children need to be raised, an environment is created internally so that outside stimulus does not define "who" I am.  I will gain a sense of control by having a solid sense of self. 

Confusing, I know.  But the good thing is, I understand it.  LOL. 

My first exercise, given last week, was to make a list of the internal "rules" I live with presently.  These are the rules that I follow on a daily basis, and form my compartments and how we cope on a daily basis.  Some of the rules are healthy.  Some are devastating, so I came to find out after I made the list. 

I came up with 65 rules that I abide by in order to be a 'good human being'.  As I wrote them, I was shocked at how much these rules stifle my ability to be a whole person, and how they make it almost impossible for me to grow as a person.  They keep me stuck.  They keep me in pain.  And they keep me safe from the fear of risk taking. 

Today, Pam and I are going to begin to review this list and decide together why some of these rules may not be realistic and/or healthy.  For example:  Rule #25:  I must always consider someone else's opinion before my own, and refrain from expressing myself if those opinions differ. 

I can see, sorta kinda, that this rule may not be healthy.  Pam and I will slowly discuss how this rule may be stifling my True Self. 

Rule #4:  I must never be fat.  This one is gonna be kinda hard to figure out; because it is a rule I break all of the time.  I already am fat, and feel the shame of being so every day 24/7. 

Eventually, with support, I will change the rules to suit my True Self instead rather than suit the survivalist instinct I presentlly live with. 

I have to close this blog for now...I bought this new "healthy" oatmeal with cranberries and I am starving! LOL. 

Thanks for reading.