Smell Of Cinnamon

As I look out the window, I see the clouds are a unique shade of gray that only the promise of snow knows how to paint.  The resulting darkness is fooling my family into staying asleep later than usual; for it is impossible to tell that it is, in fact, morning.  As for myself, I cannot sleep late through a morning.  I love them--the idea of being awake when the rest of the world is quiet and not yet expectant of anything. 

And so I am sitting with my coffee, wearing the warmest pajamas I own, and gazing at the only lights on in the entire house:  my Christmas tree.  Situated near a large window, I love the contrast of the colored lights against the dismal backdrop of gray skies and a white ground.  Upstairs in my bedroom, a single white candle is lit along with the scent of cinnamon incense in thanks and honor for this special time of day.  The flame of the candle is believed to bring  wishes and desires to fruition, and the smoke of the incense will be carried away to the Gods so they, too, may assist in helping my desires become reality. 

This morning, however, I do not desire anything other than to define exactly what this time of year means for me, and to reacquaint myself with my beliefs beyond what tradition and religion dictates should mean. 

Though I left Christianity several years ago and converted to neopaganism incorporating several branches of it's belief system, I cannot look up in a textbook of religious studies and point out a list of criteria that specifically describes me.  Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ--the Son of God--and his representation of hope and redemption.  They exchange gifts, as the Three Kings bestowed upon the baby, with the message of peace, love, and thanks.  I, myself, am still in love with the story of the Holy Birth--not because I actually believe Christ was God's son---but because the the very idea that a child so holy and so loved could bring so much hope to the world is an image that often brings me to great emotional joy. 

Pagans believe, in a vague summation on my part, that Christmas (Yule) marks the "birth" of the Sun.  A group of nature based religions, Pagans celebrate the winter solstice---the shortest day of the year---followed by the promise of longer days to come as the Sun's light grows stronger and longer each day until spring.  They light fires and candles to represent the Sun's birth, as well as to symbolically provide light and promise on the darkest calendar day of the year.  Yule is a season of quiet, reflection, self evaluation, and love. 

What I find amusing is that contrary to all of the fighting and disagreeing amongst religious groups, the message of both of these belief systems is the same:  Christmas, Yule, Winter Solstice (and maybe even other religions) all promise the same thing:  the birth of something/someone so full of promise and hope that we cannot help but feel the urge to spend time with those we love the most in celebration and anticipation of greater things to come.  We exchange gifts, share feasts, decorate, gather for games and parties, etc---all in essence, for the same fundamental reason. 

We are celebrating hope, thanks, family, friends, and love. 

As for myself, personally, I am a mixed bag concerning my personal beliefs.  I do not pay much attention to the technicalities of anything like attending church on the Christian front, or lighting a Yule log to light the dark path until the Sun is old enough to shine on His own. I do not cast spells or go outside and chant at the moon (it's too cold here!) on the Pagan side of things either.  I do not find the idea of gift giving to be all that exciting either, to tell you the truth.  What I mean by this, is that I do not find it at all 'celebratory' to rush around worrying about getting the gift that someone wants so bad that I must compromise my own finances and sanity to find it!  To me, that is the contraindication of the season.  My gifts are usually handmade, if I comfortably have the time to make them.  If not, then a note or a phone call or some other form of emotional expression is how I give to my loved ones.  Because, seriously, what tangible thing could I give someone to express how much I love and appreciate them?  A hand made gift, though not nearly as extravagant or expensive as a purchased one, can help the recipient understand that I thought about them for many hours and many days as I created it.  Unfortunately, not many people understand or appreciate this; and I am certain that most of my handmade gifts are stowed away in a closet and never to be looked at again. 

So, my belief system over the years has evolved. No longer do I scramble around like a nutcase hoping someone will like what I am giving them.  No more shopping in crowded malls and stores unless it is for something extra special. No more giving a "little something" to EVERYONE I know in hopes they'll appreciate it, or because somewhere society says we are supposed to be giving.  I believe in giving to those who I know will appreciate them as much as I loved making the gift for them.  For it is those relationships worthy of celebrating and praising.  It is those relationships that deserve to cherished during a time of year designed for cherishing all that we love! 

Since I have such a small but meaningful gift giving process, I believe this time of year, for me, is a time of quiet.  Not depression and isolation quiet----but simplicity's quiet.  Christmas/Yule marks both the end and beginning of things albeit via Bible or Calendar, and this is my time of weighing and deciding and reflecting on what I wish to begin or end in my own life, be it habits, ideas, hopes, dreams, baggage, resentments, old anger, and even suppressed love for someone.  And while this seems very emotionally tiring, I spend this time of year surrounding myself with beautiful things:  my tree, warm blankets, candles, my favorite music, yummy things in the oven, board games with my children, movies that represent hope......and I use these "tools" to sort out these beginnings and endings.  I balance comfort with necessity.  

And I do it quietly.  I think this is my fundamental Christmas belief:  This is a time for ourselves.  To give what we want to give versus what we think we should or have to.  To relax and rest versus scrambling around trying to do what we think is best for someone else.  To stay home and watch a movie versus attending a party full of people we would not normally associate with outside of work or business.  Or to attend that party versus staying home and catering to the fear or hesitation of being social.  To give a card with a thoughtful note instead of buying.  To listen to our instincts about family rather than spend time in a situation that will just bring about old resentments and bickering.  Or to attend that family gathering rather than sitting fearful of what "might" happen.  To eat whatever goodies we want because it feels good to do so...versus stressing over how much weight we might gain or who might think we have no self control. 

For if we cannot do what feels best for ourselves....how can we do or be anything that is best for another?  If we do not know our own limits, how can we ever hope to accomplish the goal of setting boundaries?  If we cannot give what feels right, how can we ever know the true definition of giving, and feel joy from it?  If we cannot express ourselves truly to another, how can we ever learn who appreciates us and who does not?  
If we cannot begin aspects of our lives anew, or end parts of it that are not working for us, how can we ever really know what it is like to evolve in a healthy way, not only for ourselves, but for those we love?  If we cannot sit and be quiet...and enjoy the simplicity or what I like to call the "nothingness".....how can we ever learn to block out the noise and listen to ourselves? 

So as my candle burns today with my desires, my wish is for you (whoever is reading!) to enjoy this season on your own terms, and celebrating in ways that are best for yourself.  And through this, that you gain the peace, hope, and sense of fullfillment that each one of us deserves---which will inevitably spill out onto those who you love, as they too will see that you are more wholesome and capable of being whatever it is they need or want you to be. 

Because I truly believe that regardless of faith, religion, church congreation, or lack of religion altogether, it is our human right to celebrate exactly what makes us human:  the hope and desire to be whole. 

So as you gaze at your tree, or sit with your family, or wrap your gifts, parade the mall...whatever it is you do....stop and smell some cinnamon today.  It is my gift to you today, and all of the days of this season.