Prior to September of this year, I had been taking an antidepressant called Effexor XR; and I had been taking it for several years---about four, I think.  Though there's no such thing as a "miracle drug", I have to say that Effexor wiped out 85% of my anxiety and depression symptoms from the very first dose I swallowed.  Having suffered crippling anxiety and episodic depression all of my life, I had tried several different medication and combinations aka "cocktails" throughout the years; and none of them did much for me other than give me a variety of side effects that were worse than what I was already suffering from.  Wellbutrin hyped me up so much I didn't sleep for a week, lost 20 pounds--and the combination of both insomnia and lack of food made me believe I could fly.  Celexa gave me visual problems and heart palpitations.  Zoloft just made me so goddamn stupid that I couldn't spell my own name.  Those wonderful benzos like Valium and Xanax worked so well for my anxiety that I began to have anxiety attacks because I was afraid of becoming addicted.  Mood stabalizers:  Lithium gave me a rash.  Depakote began to elevate my liver enzymes.  Lamictal was too risky because of my sulfa allergies.  Topomax made my ears ring.  The antispychotics, also known to stabalize and level moods are so frightening that I only tried one:  Geodon.  Geodon is a wonderful and helpful medication, and I would've remained on it except it made my blood sugar so high I became pre-diabetic. 

Effexor, however, was like I wasn't taking anything.  I just felt immediately better.  Not perfect.  Not in a happy drugged haze.  Just better.  I felt like I was myself again; and though the anxiety and depression remained a struggle, I felt like I was able to use my own cognitive skills to manage the symptoms myself, rather than become overwhelmed by them.  My panic attacks disappeared, and my debilitating depressive episodes vanished.  I still had periodic episodes, of course, but it's like the medication put the brakes on whatever it is that sends me over the edge. 

So for many years, I felt as close to human as I ever had. 

Unfortunately, I was on the highest recommended dose; and after four years, it began to feel like it wasn't helping.  When we moved here to Great Lakes, I began to (as I've talked about in prior entries) feel the anxiety and depression return with a vengence.  My doctor and I both concluded that the Effexor was not working as well for me anymore; and it was also having an undesireable effect on my blood pressure which is a common side effect and nothing surprising, seen as I had been struggling with high blood pressure for the duration of my time on the drug. 

As I said, I switched four months ago to Cymbalta, a new medication that is chemically similiar to Effexor. It has gotten a lot of hype from people who have physical symptoms of depression and anxiety such as muscle tension, headaches and IBS---all of which are manifestations of my own emotional issues. 

I do not know if it is really helping me as much as I would like it to.  I honestly don't.  Sometimes I feel "okay"; but then right out of the blue I will be hit with a week or two where I feel like absolute shit that dosen't want to get out bed and/or having anxiety so bad that I am too afraid to leave the house.  For example, recently, I have been feeling quite depressed.  Lack of energy.  No motivation.  I want to sleep all the time but I can't sleep when I try.  My muscles ache and I have gastrointestinal upet (IBS) symptoms that are worse than they've ever been.  I feel lonely and bored and overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks. 

I have told my doc this, and she told me that a medication called Abilify has been studied and proven to help your current antidepressants work better.  About three weeks ago, she gave me a script for a very small 5 mg dose and informed me to take it just once in the morning, as it is known to be quite energizing. 

I took the damn med for two days and I felt so weird I could stand it.  I was sleepy, but jumpy at the same time.  I felt like my thinking was slooooow, but my body wanted to keep moving around. 

So I quit taking it and decided to rough it out on my own. 

I've continued to feel like shit, and the doc will not be back in the office until after Christmas.  So yesterday I decided to give the Abilify another shot; because from what I've read, people are having good results from this med.  Instead of taking the whole 5 mg, I cut it in half and just took the 2.5 ish mg in the morning. 

I felt a little slow....I even needed a nap.  But by yesterday evening I was feeling so much more chipper that I actually sat with my family and watched Christmas movies with a bit of interest.  My stomachache disappeared and I even caught myself laughing a few times at a couple of things my kids were saying. 

I felt a little bit better.  Whether or not that is the Abilify doing anything I do not know.  But I tolerated the side effects (slowed thinking---like a brain fog) without too much trouble; so I took another dose this morning. 

I am painfully aware that medication is not the answer to all of my problems.  I may be dealing with a boost in anxiety/depression because of some issues in therapy, the Christmas season (which is so intimidating to me), as well as what Greg believes is a really nasty dose of the winter blues. 

There is an illness called Seasonal Affective Disorder that I have only recently learned about.  It is a form of bipolar illness, and it is caused by the varying amounts of sunlight due to the changes in seasons.  Generally people who live further north suffer from it.  As the days grow shorter, the brain does not receive enough sunlight (through the eyes) to produce "feel good" chemicals; hence, a type of "hibernation" results. 

Also known as the winter blues. 

And then when the days grow longer, patients find themselves feeling better during the late spring/summer months. 

I TOTALLY THINK I have this illness.  I really do.  Looking back over my medical history, I discovered a few weeks ago that I have never had an 'episode' of depession/anxiety during the summer months.  Ever.  I lived in San Diego for seven years, and I not once had any problems.  We moved to Wash D.C. in 2000, and the first October there I was in the E.R. with panic attacks and suicidal thoughts---and the start of my first medication.  I was so fucking miserable there.  After that we, moved further south to Virginia Beach, where we purchased a home full of windows.  Though it got cold there, it was sunny and light much of the time.  I did have an E.R. trips and a period of depression, but that was in...you guessed it---November of 2006.  And then again in November 2007, when Greg was deployed in Iraq.  But my doctor's notes were always positive during the summer months; and our six years in Virginia Beach were fairly uneventful as far as any "major" issue. 

Then we moved here in February of this year---and holy shit within two weeks of being here I thought I should just jump off a bridge and end it all.  As I've already posted, I wound up in the hospital by late August which is when I switched my meds. 

And let me tell you, I have never been this far up north since I was a child.  I was born in Northwest Indiana, but grew up in St. Louis; so I have no memory of being here.  But I honest to goddess cannot believe how fucking depressing it is here.  I am not shitting you when I say the sun does not come out.  I cannot recall the last time we had a sunny day.  And when we do, it's only just a few hours of dim light.  Greg and I were at Walmart last week...at 3 p.m., and it was already so dark outside we had to put the headlights on during the drive. 

Are you fucking serious? 

Who lives like this without going insane? 

I miss the warm early mornings on my porch swing, the beach, the sun streaming through my windows until 8 p.m. every day.  I miss my little gazebo in the backyard where I could stay outside 9 months of the year and read and stitch.  I miss my flower garden.  I miss digging in the friggin' dirt!  I miss the light. 

I could cry. 

I mentioned all of this to my doc, who is convinced that Seasonal Affective may be a contributing factor to my episodic problems, and may be the reason why doctors in the past have told me I have bipolar disorder.  She told me that maybe I DO have bipolar---but on the seasonal level.  This may explain why meds are not so much help to me, because once the summer comes around, I don't need them anymore. 

She prescribed me the Abilify, and told me there are these types of lamps that can be purchased for the home.  Not UV lamps, but they are specifically for people with seasonal affective disorder.  They emit some kind of light that enters through the eyes.  I guess you sit near them for 30 minutes upon waking, and then 30 minutes again at dusk (which lengthens "your" day), and they are proven to help! 

At first I laughed and thought how retarded that sounds; but then I was researching them.  I am almost convinced that I would like to try one for myself.  You can buy them in all different sizes ranging from a tiny little desk one to a big panel that stands on the floor.  The problem is, they are ultra expensive.  The cheapest one I found is 200 bucks, and that is for a small one.  The larger paneled ones are up to 500-700 bucks.

I hate taking meds.....and I am tired of "trying" new ones (there is another one called Pristique that is almost identical to Effexor that doc says we can "try").  I am comfortable with continuing the Abilify if it helps; but I am wondering if sitting exposed to one of these special lights might be better and healthier for me.  It can't hurt anything. 

So my question is, does anyone have any experience or knowledge with Seasonal Affective Disorder, and/or these theraputic lamps?  I want to make a well researched purchase if it's gonna cost this much money!